Today I am feeling very upbeat and refreshed. Currently on a regime of health and keeping up with my Vegan diet. I am consistently meditating, channeling and making great changes to the interior of my home. My husband and I are also embarking on a trip of a lifetime, to live in Zimbabwe permanently (well for 6 months in Zimbabwe and 6 months in the UK).

This adventure sounds very good, exciting and I am sure some of you reading this are now feeling very envious. Wanting this to be you but you would believe the precursor to these events. The last two years of my life has been life changing (2017-2018).

I would never have predicted by the end of April 2018, all the significant people whom brought me up would die and leave the planet in what seemed a flash. In two years I was on a internal and emotional roller coaster.

What a shock, although my parents were getting older, dying was to be expected that they were coming to the end of their lives, so I was somewhat prepared but no one would have ever believed, that my cousin Barbara would be joining them.
As I write this, my eyes are welling up with tears. Although she was my cousin, my family and I treated her like a sister. she was always welcomed into our home as a dear family member.

When I was a teenager we actually, shared a bedroom and we were very close from that point that was forty years ago. Over the years she was a constant support in my life.

During the last year, I felt that my internal world crumble.

In public and on the outside, it seemed that I was fine, but on the inside, I felt the pain and loss of losing my closest relatives in one-time frame. It really was traumatic, and emotionally painful. I couldn’t get my head around it. The disbelief of death brought tears and sadness. With my cousin’s death as the upsetting cherry on the cake. We had two family members die in one month.

So now almost a year on… is the whole family who were in shock still are in shock and fragmented. We have now become divided living in our own separate worlds. Coming from a small family, it meant that all of the elders in the UK were gone.

These series of events helped me to understand some of the dynamics of grief.

I now understand that Grief is unpredictable, It can transport you into a world of the past. Remembering all kinds of events with the deceased in it. DDaydreamingand dreaming (at night) all kinds of dreams with my deceased family playing major roles. It felt that my unconscious mind wanted them all alive.

I couldn’t conduct any workshops or attend groups, I just felt like staying at home. Just in case I broke down in a flood of tears. 

I now understand that grief has its own journey, the days and the months go by…. full of memories, until they slowly subside but never leaving….

Time has been a great healer and of course, I miss them deeply.

A life of partial normality is settling in, the funerals are over, all the paperwork in nearly completed.

The pain is also subsiding and can now reflect on my departed loved ones’ contribution to my life.

Giving Thanks

I now give thanks to my personal ancestors for sharing the good times and the bad times. Thanks for having them physically in my life. I take their wisdom, their love, and their support into the future.

Starting with my mother – I take my mother’s humble and loving personality.
Her way of inventing recipes, supporting others with kind, gentle words, and open-heartedness.

I take my dads wisdom, friendliness, warmness and generosity. He always found a practical way out of a problem. My dad was always strong and resilient.

Both parents taught me how to be generous and not to waste things, especially money and to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in.

My cousin, on the other hand, showed me how to be understanding. She brought a certain amount of common sense and down to earthiness. She also had so much wisdom, energy and was always there to help.

There were the negative sides to their personalities, which of course I have inherited as they were all stubborn. Apart from the one negative I now remain positive look toward to the future and I thank them for their contribution to my life.

As I write the ending to this blog post, I realize that the most important gift that my family gave me, was to allow me to be who I was spiritually. I was never made to go to church or made to read the bible or any other holy book. They left my spirituality up to me and for this I am truly grateful.

Growing up in their loving environment allowed me to explore all spiritual options and I now can embrace my ancestors, my guides and the creator without feeling guilty.
I now feel free to speak to my newly departed ancestors and I know they are now somewhere else, living another life.

This knowledge helps my grieving, knowing that their legacy carries on forever.
May the spirits of my own personal ancestors live on forever. Thanking my ancestors today and for always.